Life gives us lemons—we know what to do

I’m getting some macular degeneration in my right eye.

When I close my left eye and look, it’s like looking at a fun mirror.

Everything is distorted through my right eye. And the distortion moves around when I move my head. Eyes, lips, and foreheads wiggle around.

Watching the talking heads on the news is the most entertaining. They’re saying serious things, but they look like rubber people. “A Senator was arrested today,” sounds even funnier when a rubber person is saying it.

There are others. 

With just my right eye Conan’s head looks even weirder. Same thing with Kelsey Grammer’s head. It’s the most fun with people with large foreheads—and for some reason, John Boehner.

I’m guessing people who smoke pot and have macular degeneration must have really wild visions.

I know, I know. I wrote “visions” on purpose.

When I’m sculpting, I don’t have to wonder what a shape might look like if it were a little more curved. I just use my right eye and move my head around until I see the shape that’s most attractive, then open my left eye and carve it. That’s making lemonade out of lemons, right?   

And sometimes there’s a little dark spot in the middle of my vision.

I saw a little bug on the brick floor in our living room today, so I stepped on it.

It wasn’t there.

A little later I came back and there it was again, the same little dark bug. So I stepped on it again.

Same result.