Bologna and eggs for breakfast.

That’s the newspaper and scrambled eggs.

We usually put green chile in the eggs here in New Mexico.

Okay, toast too, but that goes without saying.

Okay, okay, the bologna they print in the newspaper probably goes without saying as well, but I really wanted to say it.

Or, for the grammarians of the world, write it.

To be honest I’ve given up on most of what the papers choose to write about.

I mostly read the funnies and the sports section.

There’s enough murder and mayhem printed there. 

What’s with the inch?

There are twelve inches in a foot. There are three feet in a yard. That’s thirty-six inches in a yard. Twelve is the key, a number divisible by three.

So, why aren’t there twelve twelfths in an inch?

What’s with sixteenths? And eighths? They aren’t divisible by three.

A quarter of an inch? Why isn’t that three twelfths?

A half would then be six twelfths.

Okay, okay. I’ll give you that six twelfths doesn’t roll off the tongue the way eight sixteenths does. Say six twelfths three times, fast, and you’ll rupture your lips.

Or, for that matter, four sixteenths. But still, it would bring us closer to the numerical sense that the metric system makes.

I know, I know, we couldn’t swallow the metric system.

Look at it this way; they have their tenths. We’d have our twelfths. We’d be two better. And I’d have an easier time drawing the plans for our new pantry.

One inch could equal one foot and so one twelfth would equal one inch . . . and our contractor would be able to figure out my damn drawings.

He’ be happier . . . and so would I.

We men don’t get it.

My wife had a doctor’s appointment this morning.

It was getting close to her time to leave, and she was violently scrubbing down the kitchen.

I said, “What are you doing, you’re going to be late?”
She said, “The kitchen is dirty.”

After a moment, I said, “Our cleaning lady is coming this morning. Isn’t that what she’s supposed to do?”

“Well, I don’t want her to see how dirty it is,” was her answer.

I stood for another moment and went back into my studio. There’s no response to that kind of thinking.

And yes, I know all the women out there understand it.